‘I realize I’m 27 with no interest in getting married (at the moment), but I want to marry eventually. It may not be the best for me to wait till I feel like it before stepping out, but I guess not with someone who’s ready now.’
That’s my friend’s stance on relationship, and I agree with him. It is common for guys (that are of age) to feel unready for marriage, but I don’t think that should discourage them from entering into relationships. While you may not know your partner enough in courtship, no matter how long, healthy friendship can be developed and strengthened during this period.
But every lady now talks about time wasters. And by time wasters they mean guys who are up for ‘friendship now, marriage later.’ But do I blame them? Who wants undefined friendships? As the saying goes, ‘once beaten, twice shy.’ Our ladies have been fooled. They have entrusted their heart to fools and have been crushed. They have tried to heal, but are left scared. They have learned from the mistakes of their past, though, and now guard their hearts with militaristic vehemence. Their wisdom they swore to pass down generations and will never give their hearts without the commitment of marriage again. No! They aren’t fools!
In the wake of every burning love lies ashes of indifference.
However, as a guy, I’ve learnt that love and marriage are not synonymous. Love makes relationship work, but not marriage. You decide for marriage, and until you are ready, it’s not just going to happen to you. I strongly feel that when you are ready, the decision to get married should be executed on a relationship built on love, not one propelled by the will to get married.
Now, I think the best fit is someone who wants to be with you, marriage or no marriage; someone who wants to marry you even when you are terminally ill and death beckons. Someone that will say, ‘If all that is left is just one more night, I will spend it with my head on your chest listening to the harmony of our heartbeats, of a love that has become unexplainable and sacred.’ But that’s hard to find.
I’m of the opinion that if the drive for love is to be married, then it’s selfish. Marriage should be a selfless union, of mutual affection, a blessing shared by the couple.
Now let’s contrast two sentences:
‘I love you, so let’s get married;’ and
‘I need to get married, so I love you.’
Who wants the second? I, for one, will give my heart to the love that will marry the broken and beaten me, the love that has seen me at my worst and will still deal, just one more night, if that’s all we’ve got.
To the ladies who love me, to the ladies who have heard of hurts, to my ladies who have been hurt… You all deserve to love without the pressure of marriage. You all deserve to bask in the sun of pure friendship. And you all deserve to be married, when you are ready!
“I am a womanist and will fight for my rights even to my death.”
That was the statement of a woman, who I dub a ‘timid feminist.’ Although she denied being a feminist, stating that the word ‘feminist’ bears a negative connotation.
A proud feminist will say, ‘Yes! I am a feminist, if that’s who I have to become to protect my rights.’ And don’t be surprised to hear that one even faulted the title of this article, saying, ‘why should you put your dad first?’ And I was like, ‘hmm, hmm, hmm, speechless.’
Yes, speechless, not because of my quiet personality. ‘What! Does it really matter? It’s just a title, after all.’
Okay, this is not about gender equality or feminism. But before I lay to rest the issue, I’m ever puzzled, can we ever achieve gender equality on all life issues? In fact, what does gender equality means? I bet the Janets and Johnsons on our streets will disagree on the issues, always. Is role-taking in any way a form of gender inequality? Should there be role-taking at all? My list of queries is unending…
Now, I err more, my digression is unforgivable. I love women and will always support them in their many fights for their rights. Hmm, I might just score one… What did I say that for? Puleez, don’t get me wrong. Okay, I love my mum so dearly, in fact, ‘Iya ni wura nitooto.’ Mother is gold, pure gold for that matter, and don’t ask me how many caract (doesn’t even know the spelling, and doesn’t care.) I will treasure my mom for as long as I Iive. I mean, even when she crosses the Styx, her memories will forever be treasured.
But ain’t we unfair to dads? ‘Baba ni digi.’ Father is mirror. Anyway that’s from my simple unpretentious interpretation, I could have missed out some nuances though. Whatever, of what use is language, if the depth of its meaning is in the nuances. As useful as light will be, were its appreciation only in rainbow formation. So, father is mirror, so unfair, might I say? The maxim itself is a study in ambiguity: It might be translated: Father is a reflection of me, or father points out who I am.
So, if father is a reflection of me, father is nasty because I’m nasty? Father can as well be a drunkard because I am, shey? But I particularly like the second meaning, father points out who I am. I love this! Someone once said, ‘I am beautiful because my father says I am.’ The importance of father in a child’s life is enormous. And I’ll say, Father must be ‘Daddy,’ when he is around. To me, an absent father is better than a present but irresponsible one. At least, one can make up a superhero image for the absent father.
I am a Man, because dad says I am. He called out the Man in me. So, father shows me how gorgeous I am. He is the reason I keep my swagger and still hold my head up high. He gingers my swagger and makes me believe I can fly. I love this!
Beyond father and mother, a child deserves a pair of parents. Two things are a pair because they are similar, or fit perfectly into each other? A child deserves a mother who does not spend all her time fighting for her rights but fits perfectly into her man and the duo stand as the rock behind their baby. Also, the father must be around to accept and love his woman and the two nurture their loved ones together.
So, whoever will lead in the family, should do so by example. Hehehehehehe, lolling o. Really laughing at some men who will need to lead by changing wet diapers. Take the challenge, Mhen!
So, not my father, nor my mother, but give me my parents. And let’s make the world a better place.
Anyway, my curiosity is getting the best of me right now. So, I’d love to know what your take is on feminism, gender equality and parenting. I know these are hotbeds of opinion diversity. However, we can learn from one another. Leave your thoughts via the comment form.
This will surely encourage every fledgling writer.
They are important but they can make you decide to quit. From here you won’t worry about them anymore, even if you want to introduce your art in an online forum like Nairaland.com. Some writers posted fantastic prose on naijastory.com, eventually spoilt it following some of these critics and have no knowledge to regret. These critics are in 4 categories here:
1. Those that laugh at you.
These are mostly those that knew you before. Those that knew when you were crawling or those that have tried what you are doing and failed or found it very very tedious or lucrative. You will figure out they are skillful in making you frown. They can also scare you to lose interest in an online marketing.
2. Those that are jealous of you.
These are people that (as if) God has made to be your enemies of progress. They naturally hate…
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Silence, my most cherished companion,
The sound of whose is quietness,
Lulls my soul to that sea of serenity,
The habitation of unbridled creativity.
Silence, my most cherished company,
How more garrulous can you be?
You relentlessly speak tranquility to my spirit,
But I must miss you.
My kins have need of my attention,
And piercing your sweet heart is the way of my kind,
Momma said to lead I must study,
But momma never stopped talking.
And her words are doses of wisdom.
Wisdom my compass will be,
But knowledge I must get.
To lead I must study,
And dead silence I’ll need.
In the heart of dead silence
I seared into mine instructions
In a coitus of minds.
For lead I must.
In the heart of dead silence I’ll live.
But I must not break it.
It must not be broken.
My dead silence must not die.
But I must lead!
I must lead my kin
And my silence must die.
At its wake, my beloved speech is birthed.
When I speak, my kin love me
My name ceases to be a bore
And I lead.
Silence, my beloved,
So good you are for me
But I must not cease seeing the dearth of you.
I want to learn how you feel;
Please teach me.
A penny for your thought;
Please indulge me.
When it hurts the most,
I long for you,
To take solace in your bosom;
Please embrace me.
But you said, ‘let me be!’
‘How can I?’ My wonderment.
Now, I wish I could.
I wish I had.
But they are just what they are;
They are not horses,
And that hurts.
I wish they were mere candies,
That I could buy mine right on my lane.
And then gladly present them all to you.
I’d buy a happy everafter with a queen,
A promising future with an angel,
A great tomorrow spent with you,
If I could.
When all I have is a Naira,
I’ll spend it all on you.
And I’ll know no pang in my eternal bliss.
A Naira or a million, regardless,
You’ve got me.
All discretion are bubbles in my reverie,
And to the wind I throw them.
For the pleasure of having you by my side tomorrow,
I’ll risk it all.